Rossana Condoleo - Beware of Narcissists!Narcissists I have been asked to write something for you, since I haven´t done it in a long time. Without assuming I can tell you anything new or more inspirational than what you have already read or heard, what follows is just my opinion and my experience at your service.


Never in my life, have I seen the media offering such a cruel, sad and dramatic panorama of the world, like I have in the last few years. We have long hidden consuming wars behind the word crisis (Middle-East crisis, for example.) in this or that region of our planet. The fact that we face daily terror attacks, the migration of millions of men in all continents, and an increasing fear of travelling and enjoying life as we used to, has no recent roots though. We have just allowed it to happen. We have become more and more tolerant of dominant people, of those who rule our lives, jobs, relationships and religious beliefs. We have closed our eyes to what is a general growing phenomenon. We are delivering our hearts and trust to people who promise that they will protect us from the evil, but they are the evil. We fall into the trap of charismatic people who promise love, without looking inside them, without scrutinizing them. We need to be reassured, and we look for false, strong and dominant people who promise the world to us. The evil has used this trick from the time of Adam and Eve. False promises against loyalty. What we do is not far from what the Kamikaze terrorists do. We just do not see, that we let our lives metaphorically explode, after we have donated them to the designated leaders, be it in the family, in associations, in religious communities, in political parties, in the company/at work and finally in the government of our country.

I don’t like aggressive and dominant people; I have already left too many of those types behind me! This is the reason why, far from being a pansy, I am not like that… dominant, I mean. My respect and tolerance for people and situations might go a lot further than that which average people accept and tolerate. I am also an affectionate friend, family member and colleague, which means I am warm and able to show my love. I am positive and smile, sometimes even when I am utterly frustrated or go through painful / stressful / difficult situations.

I am cheerful with strength inside, which people sometimes ignore because I do not need to be aggressive and domineering to show how strong or competent I am. The people who take the time to come closer to me will discover that, sooner or later. But, tendentially, more and more people are starting to like those who show an iron fist.

Be warned!

Everybody can be aggressive and dominant. Aggressiveness is the oldest and easiest trigger amongst men´s behaviors; an attack and defensive response of cavemen. We see how easy it is for terrorists to be aggressive. Everyone can be aggressive and dominant without any special effort! Look at children and wild animals. On the other hand, a great effort is required to relate with others harmoniously; where harmony is not an aesthetic concept, but a condition depending on certain factors such as giving the other one:

  • place
  • time
  • voice
  • importance
  • attention
  • love (if any)…

otherwise we show that “we don´t care”. Yes, in this case we are unsociable, not team players, not family people, not real leaders (good leaders do care for their community growth, not for their own), nothing but narcissists. The fact is that people who “don´t care” commit crimes against humanity. And humanity is us! We leave those narcissists / dominant people to become more and more Very Important Persons  taking responsibility and then leadership roles in the society, in politics, in the workplace, in the family, in our relationships. We breed children who think they are geniuses even when they scratch our car: “Hey, you won´t do that again to my car, will you? Please! Anyway, it is really a work of art sweety!” We tell them that they can get all they want, if only they want it strongly enough  (which is true, but not at the expense of others or for egoistical purposes). We allow love partners paly us how they like, in the name of love (or stupidity?). We respect our aggressive and dominant bosses because they pay for our work and by doing so we let the mechanism grow bigger and bigger. While ignoring the fact that ignorant people are the most aggressive ever, we think that we can get along with the narcissist species. Nope…they victimize us! We know that Narcissism is a personality disorder, a psychopathy. But we are continuing to make of narcissists leaders instead of cutting their hands so that they cannot do any harm to humanity, to us, to you!

Back to HARMONY, I am not interested in affected harmony. I need a true one! I try to create true harmony by giving place, time, voice, importance, attention and love to the people I come in contact with. I act responsibly, since responsibility is the very milestone of every kind of society. But the result is astounding! I am often perceived as a softy and some people think they can victimize me. I become very emotional when it goes to my closest circle of people in my life. I can accept whatever comes to me, but I have still not learned to coexist with the feeling that whatever I do in the direction of harmony and reciprocal respect, dominant and aggressive people will always try to exploit my availability and extreme tolerance to take advantage of me. The consequences for me are often complicated if not dramatic. I cannot and do not want to change myself. I am happy how I am. I am not happy about the growing number of people who think that strong  EQUALS  dominant. I closely know many psychopaths – yes it is time we give them the name they deserve – who make other people’s lives impossible: their wives/husbands, their children are those who suffer the most, since they are very good at winning trust from people outside their closest circle. They are very good at letting you believe that what they do is in your interest, even when they erase every, and all, of your rights. The fact is that our society is breeding even more of them, narcissists or so called Alpha men and women who use the Alpha prefix just to hide away their absence of responsibility for how they make people feel and for the daily small through to giant crimes they commit! We must peacefully rebel against this tendency and teach our children to be human. The level of empathy children show when something bad happens to those they see can tell a lot about how much we must work to show that helping, loving and respecting people, and not being predators, mucking about and giving them, is the rule. Unfortunately, there are predators who first feed the victims with what they need before killing them: we do it with pigs, chickens and so on. Manipulation works better with complacent victims.

I am genuine to the point of risking to appearing naive. I take that risk! I like to be genuine, but I am not naive. I detect certain kind of people. Though I wait before expressing my disappointment, labeling and archiving them. I must be sure of that. Again… postponing a reaction needs patience and strength… Reacting at the first shot comes a lot more natural to most people. I need many confirmations before I set my mind against someone. And afterwards, I expel them from my life; when further connections are not imposed by necessity.

In essence, I have reached a respectable age (I am 50) and with it the ability to be simple. Simplicity is not easy at all; it means renouncing to a lot of archetypes we have learnt to embody in our journey through time and experience. It means getting rid of affectations and featuring just what is required for that time, for that role, for that person. Simplicity has something to do with purity and whatever we can do in the direction of purity pays off; be it for ourselves or for the others. My mother always tells me that my smile looks identical to when I was a 5 year old child. But if people think that my smile, the light in my eyes and the tolerance and the availability are those of a disarmed woman, they are far wide of the mark. It needs a lot of strength to be tolerant, flexible and ready to compromise! I am not weak… on the contrary. I am stronger than those taking advantage of me. I react when the time comes. I react when I deem it right. I do it by not killing other people´s rights. I just take another avenue and recognize that I must not intermingle with this or that sick person. If I still have to do it, and tolerate intolerable people, it is because of higher ends, because I think that maybe by observing how I behave they can become better people. It is so in some cases. In some cases, because narcissists are the most impermeable subjects to positive changes. I am really fond of people who succeed in opening themselves up  to their better selves, but it is a very difficult process and they must want and accept the need for change.

The rule is that many erect defensive walls which are so high that they cannot see beyond them. They do the same things every day to feel reassured in their closed boxes. They have been eating the same meals for ages. They want a lot of material things around them, but expose their money to no real risk (on the contrary they can dissipate the money of other people or of the company they work for). They suck the light and love they get from you, because their ego has such a big appetite, that nobody can feed them with enough acknowledgements… they need more and more of that.

I am not that like. Nope. And again, I am not weak, stupid or naive. If you want to have anything to do with me, please accept me as I am, with my tolerance, my love for you, my need for harmony in our relationship. Please, do not use my tolerance to subjugate me. It won´t work in the long run!

The world is half good. The other half is a threat for us all, for our children, for the future generations. Nonetheless, we continue to ignore it and keep assigning power to those who appear to be strong, but are just ignorant predatorsPlease don´t let ignorance take the power! We can get free of these predators… we must simply ignore them! IGNORANCE VS IGNORANCE. Without our acknowledgement, they cannot do anything. They are simple men and women. Take it for granted that if we make them strong, we will be the ones that pay the heavy consequences, maybe for a lifetime; I know it too well, since I am still experiencing it on my life.

From me to you and for us all…

  1. Be your own pillar and be able to reassure yourself. You are whole, strong and beautiful. Be self-reliant and count on your own resources, be they material and/or emotional. You do not need compliments from others to feel good. The good is in you and permeates from the inside. Work on self-development if you need it. But do not delegate to others what only you must provide to yourself: self-confidence.
  2. Look beyond what appears to be too nice to be true. Too often it is not true! We must accurately and closely observe the person we are donating our vote, our love, our money, our trust, our loyalty, our respect and, possibly, our life.
  3. Calculate the ratio between how many times your person says NO and YES. Are their first answer mostly NO? How open minded are they? How much of their own possessions do they share? Many times we believe that people are generous, just because they can give out the money belonging to other people. They are much more able to ask for money than to give. They like to administer the money of other people, since besides gaining money from that (directly or indirectly), they gain respect (money=power, unfortunately!).
  4. Look at how many times they were able to change their mind in your favor.
  5. How many things are they in control of? From what you drink to what you do in your free time, they might rule a great extent of your life without you having noticed it. They are used to colonizing your life and your mind, as well as your heart and your power to decide on your own things. All done gradually right up to the time you wake up and discover that you do not think, or act or behave as you used to. Please wake up!
  6. What seems to be extraordinary will become the rule. And if strong decisions turning realities upside down seem to be the most consequential solution to a problem, many other earthquakes will shake the status quo of a life, of an entire country right up to threatening the whole world.
  7. For uncovering a dominant person or a narcissist you have to look at him/her in their very private sphere, which is not that simple, since they do their best and use all their resources to convince you of how nice and giving they are, how much they care, and how happy you will be if you give them your loyalty. But if a man is a pig at his home, it is a pig inside. Sorry for the pigs, they do not deserve it, but I did not find an alternative analogy. There is always a moment, especially if they are drunk, when the real man/woman comes out. You must be there and consider that it is not an exception but their real nature: “In vino veritas”.
  8. Voting is a big responsibility. I am frozen by the recent results in different countries, by the surge of right wing movements and parties. History teaches us that extreme leaders are never good for mankind. Those who always criticize and ignore the criticism which they receive from media and people, attempting to neutralize them, launch very bad signals. Democracy is freedom. Freedom grants democracy. No freedom of speech –> no democracy.
  9. Never think that you can change dominant people. Remember that most of them have a personality disorder called narcissism and the fact that they keep a lot together so well is not a guarantee of infinite cohesion. They can simply turn their back if they feel under pressure. They accept and only do what they like. They recognize no duties. No real responsibility. They only have rights. They do not compromise; they only do as they would, to do exactly what they want, as soon as you have given them free rein. You do the homework and they take the good marks. If you think you have a boss, a love partner, a friend with a past as a dominant person, their big inflated cruel self will come out as soon as they need another kind of support / love / loyalty unit. They are not thankful at all, and under this premise, if you do something for them, forget about your rewards, unless rewarding you keeps you more loyal for future needs and only until their needs match your offer. You are never in control until you leave them. Better not let them in from the very beginning since, getting free of them, can reveal to be the hardest project in your life. Mental, emotional and physical violence, blackmail and vengeance are typical. They cannot let you go simply because you belong to them, but you think it is love. Nope, you are just a property. Many Alpha men, as the dominant narcissists, can only love themselves. The others are their property and their alienation must come from them not from you. They are unable to truly love in the sense of wanting the good of another person. Sometimes the good of the other person matches the good of the dominant person, but only as long as it is comfortable and under control.
  10. How many promises have they already broken? It is the rule, not the exception. A confirmation that they use words as an instrument to get what they want. They are the most eloquent speakers and lady-killers and can reverse any and all declarations, both theirs and yours. They are so refined in the oratory art, that can convince you, and the whole world, that you have eleven fingers or that you used to have eleven fingers, but you lost one right before their eloquent speech.

There is no limit to cruelty if we do not stop it starting from right now. We do not have to become accustomed to cruelty. Never let cruel, dominant people / narcissists desensitize you to ease their game and bring you to their side. RESPONSIBILITY, TRUE SIMPLE LOVE and RESPECT are not words but are the very foundations of a healthy society, from the couple to the entire world. Finally, if construed human subjects are nice, attract sympathy and are forgiven more often and easily than true/authentic people, this does not mean that we have to deliver to them our trust. They are constructed, piece by piece, to hide their real face, their real soul, their real and very bad language. They are monstrous inside and we are letting them rule our lives and our world!